...And just another sketch-less entry posted again.
While it's safe to assume that I have some readied sketch in the shelf, I chose not to post them here, because it would really be out of context with what I'm gonna talk about.
It's strange with what just a few encounters can do to a person. It would, I think, be stranger if the said person is not changed permanently by it. For rare moments could make much greater impressions than occasional meetings, is how it will dearly affect the individual.
For right now, it has changed me much. It has changed how I view the world, it has changed how I perceive other people's intentions, it has changed.. my motivation.
The old me would never dreamed to be in this place, faraway from home, alone, in a big house owned by somebody I have only met by a week.
But now I'm here, savoring the solitude, savoring the moment when I can get real.
The old me would never really dare to pursue something so far fetched, so diverging from the path I take now.
But now it's never get out of my head, it's like I have directed all my mind and energy to pursue it.
The old me would never really get past the ability of occasional harpist...
..while right now I have several instruments that I've played daily.
while it's true that I've experienced some hard times, some moments I've thought I was broken, but now it's feels like it is just an exercise.. some grand remark, but I do think now, that I was only bent down.
The base now is getting firmer by the bending; it's like I can finally take on anything now that I have experienced those moments.
Right now, I'm on an internship in some mining company on different island. I have no relatives here, no colleagues here, I'm here on my first time. I am exactly a stranger here, and the people around me were strangers.
Some might wonder, what kind of a mind would go that far from the comfort zone..? What drives it? At what cause? And what cost?
Those questions might be too overrated, that these kinds of things is actually quite ordinary; and the root cause itself couldn't be much simpler, to the point of laughable when you think about it in a serious tone. What's special about it is that it's my experience, it's exactly my synapses and dendrites inside my brain who caught these sensations which built up a memory; and then, a motivation.
A motivation that someday, somehow, I will be free from all dependence. Someday I will be able to walk without any fear, stepping without get distracted by pebbles, seeing without being irritated by the flash of lightning, hearing without being disturbed by noises, tasting without antipathy of rottenness, feeling.. with no fragility to parting.
A motivation that someday, I will be able to hold on by myself, walking tall amidst the hubris, all supported only by my spine. A feat that right now is far from being achieved, because this meddling brain still have some petty issues to take.
For there are no greater satisfaction in my life other than being able to love and life freely, with frugality, with no one else to depend upon but myself. Right now, I'm pursuing that ability.
And this quiet, alone time in the morning, I shall face all my fears and anxiety, uncertainties and probabilities, from taking on such a big leap from my comfort zone, to the realm of the real world, without anyone else. I have never done this before, which is all the more reason why I have to do this and see it through. By the time I've finished, I will be able to take on everything.
So that's how's my mind doing right now. Having a big house all by myself on foreign neighborhood without any friend around really is like some kind of retreat. Some kind of solitude. Some kind of.. meditation.
And I think it really help me coping with my bent state right now. It gives me resolution.
It gives me something worth fighting for.. freedom.
