A Delirious Man, A Thought, A Plea

Dear Esther. I have lost track of how long I have been here, and how many visits I have made overall. Certainly, the landmarks are now so familiar to me that I have to remind myself to actually see the forms and shapes in front of me. I could stumble blind across these rocks, the edges of these precipices, without fear of missing my step and plummeting down to sea. Besides, I have always considered that if one is to fall, it is critical to keep one’s eyes firmly open.

That was an excerpt (actually, the opening line; scratch that, one of the opening lines) of an art game made back in 2008, and remade in 2012. You can see it here.

The premise of the game is that, first, it is not actually a game. It is some kind of interactive novel; a visual poem; nope, maybe some different kind of art altogether. I won't explain the mechanics or reviews here, there are already tons of that in the net, but what I will focus here is the story.

Have you ever meet a man; once a lover; once a husband; once having a beacon of his life, guiding his love, now all shattered? It was the base of all the monologues and walking done in the game. Shortly; a man who has lost his beloved, his wife. Beneath the surreal atmosphere and the cacophony of colors presented on the sky and deep in the caves of the island he traversed, is the mind of a man who is trying to cope with the grim fate the world has given to him, hiding in the forms of electrical diagrams and chemistry formulas painted with luminescent paint all over the island.

Nope; I can safely say I have never meet such a man; I have never met a widower in my life. But from what I have gathered in my experiences living in this world for 22 years, I can perceive that it must be a lot, a whole lot, to deal with. Many survives the pain; some cannot handle it, and decides to join their sweetheart as soon as possible to the afterlife. In the case of the game, this man took the latter. Esther was his beacon; and so he chose to climb the beacon of the island himself (in this case, the aerial) and join her in the bath of light. No more empty guidance. No more lost ships. No more pain.

I won't ever judge his decision; this is a game that present his way of thinking, his battle with despair, his efforts to make sense of all the happenings in his life. And for that intentions, it was beautifully made.

And this game does pique my mind. It's not sudden realization; it's not a new idea. We must have done it more than once in our life. In fact, we always do it. Do what? Trying to make sense of our life.

We born. We are taught to walk. To speak. Then, to the environment around us. We are sent to educational institutions. We make friends. We create links. We find what we loved to do, we find our interest. Within the frame of available courses of formal education. Then we graduate. We search for jobs, we search for soulmate. We find both. We settle in. We have children. We rose up to the ladder of our occupation. We nurture our children. We sent them to schools. We guide them to choose their way in life. We then see our children graduate, marry, then having a job. We resign our job. We play with our grandchildren. We live a peaceful retired life. We die.

That's the life of idealized Average Joe or Jane; one that is pursued by many of the middle class individuals.

Then the cliche comes in. It's not that easy.

Some will never have a chance to get formal education; some will have to help their parents' business or jobs all their lives. Some will find their interest outside the frame of formal education; some struggle for acknowledgement of their disregarded talent. Some will find their neighborhood or family circle disagree with choice of their love; some hit the unflattering boundary of religion, culture, race, or group. Some become the very agent of hatred in that subjects. Some will find their progress always hindered by their jealous seniors; some will find their own ideas ridiculed by the proper. Some will be stuck doing something they don't like all their life for the sake of their family; some will have to witness their family crumbles.

And as if the preliminary conditions are not enough to twist the ideal, fate comes up with a basket of bad lucks.

For example, an automobile accident in a bright, clear day which took from us our beloved's life.

At which point, one can not avoid to stop and think: what is the meaning of all this?

What is actually our life's worth?

Why all that happens, have to happen?

Why do we live?

Why?

Then we begin to try to make sense. Some find their answers in religion. Some finds no answers in science and became nihilists. Some dedicate all their thoughts and life for some other ideas. But the fact remains: that we need some reassurance that all of our struggles, all of our decisions and actions in our life means something in the end. And if we think further about it, the idealized life of the Average Joe above is actually void of meaning. At least for me.

For Esther's husband, his conclusion is that the reassurance is no more. It's that simple.

For many choices we have made in our life, then, I ask you not to doubt your resolution, if you already have any; but to always wary about what the world might still have for you behind her sleeves.

This game actually has no real conclusion; no lesson underneath. One just have to let himself feel the heart of the protagonist and let himself thinking in the protagonist's mind. And then, make his/her own conclusion. That's the part that I find neatly done, and one that you will hardly find in any other entertainment software out there today. 

Out there, for each and every man walking through their lives, they do that for a reason. Some just have to adjust their bizarre fate with equally bizarre actions; such as that you will find uncommon in everyday facade of life. And at the end of the day, you will question their choices; some will dismiss even the early attempt to understand; and just state that they are delirious, lunatic, ignorant. But who is the ignorant one?

And finally, my conclusion for this game all comes down as just another call to understand; a plea to dismiss ignorance; an invitation to ever question our paradigms, to never rest trying to reach out others' way of thinking, to stubbornly reject our own tendency to label others easily.

To never cease to try to understand.

This world is bigger than an Hebridean island, anyway.

Where Will I Go From Here?

"...dan pasti lo jalan dengan tas lo cangklongin cuma sebelah, dan jalan agak ke pinggir ya? hahaha.

Bener loh, men! rasanya pasti beda antara lo make tas dicangklong semua sama cuma sebelah. Dan di psikologi itu benernya punya arti sendiri-sendiri.

Dan kalo selama ini lo merasa wajar, itu berarti emang itu yang paling enak buat lo, dan itu berarti lo orangnya emang kaya gitu bro! Haha"

"Kaya gimana sih so? Aing kaga mudeng.."

"Gw yakin pasti lo benernya ngerti. Hahaha"

Itulah secuplik percakapan gw sama sohib karib gw yang emang suka ngomong hal-hal yang aneh (meskipun gw akui dia orang yang ga bisa ngebohong), yang sempat bikin gw pusing tujuh puluh tujuh keliling, penasaran akan apa yang dia kamsud.. till I thought I have finally have a lil' grasp of it.

Sebenarnya minggu lalu udah sekitar tiga kali gw keliling Bandung, nyoba cari-cari objek buat sketsa yang baru. Dan karena pencarian ini ga mungkin dilakukan diatas motor, maka gw jalan kaki. Dan kadar jalannya barangkali bisa dibilang ga kira-kira: pada kesempatan terakhir gw jalan dari stasiun KA sampe deket Tegalega, mampir jalan Cibadak, menyusuri Otista back and forth. Jalan.

Dan pada kesempatan gw cerita ke temen gw mengenai perjalanan itulah, cuplikan percakapan diatas terjadi. Harus gw akui, akhir-akhir ini gw jadi sering jalan. Dibanding naik sepeda atau motor, gw akhir-akhir ini lebih milih jalan. And only after I talked to my friend about that, I finally realized why.

Dengan naik motor atau sepeda, setiap pemandangan yang terhampar didepan mata dapat dengan cepat melesat begitu saja. No chances to notice something unique, no chances to see something that makes us think, no chances to observe different kinds of humans, walking with their own life...

Tapi dengan jalan, semua itu dapat kita amati, dan sambil jalan itu juga kita punya kesempatan untuk mencerna dan memikirkan hal-hal yang kita temui di sepanjang jalan. Dan temen gw juga menyadarkan gw:

"pasti waktu jalan, pikiran lo kemana-mana kan!"

That's damn right. Ya, ini bukan sekedar soal cari-cari objek buat di sketsa. Dengan jalan, gw merasa lebih leluasa untuk memikirkan berbagai hal, gw merasa bisa lebih dekat dengan diri sendiri, gw merasa lebih.. independen. Dengan jalan, gw merasa seluruh kenyataan kehidupan bisa terhampar di depan mata gw, tanpa gw harus merasa terlibat di dalamnya. Yeah, just like a distant observer over a different world, every moment I can notice something new.

Bagian yang aneh dari percakapan dengan temen gw ini adalah bahwa cara gw memanggul tas sedikit banyak mempengaruhi juga. Dia membayangkan gw waktu jalan make tas dicangklong cuman sebelah, dan itu benar. What I can't comprehend is that he can associate this with my personality, my state of mind right now.

Argumen dia adalah, betapapun kondisi beban yang gw pikul dan pilihan cara membawa yang ada (misal kalo emang relatif berat, ga ada pilihan lain selain mencangklong di kedua pundak), kenyataan bahwa gw lebih memilih cangklong tas di satu sisi aja tiap kali keadaan memungkinkan, sebenarnya menggambarkan sifat gw, sadar ato enggak.

Dan lebih jauh ia mencoba mengkonfirmasi, bahwa dengan mencangklong tas seperti itu, gw merasa lebih mudah memikirkan berbagai hal dan mengamati berbagai hal sepanjang perjalanan, dibanding mencangklong tas di kedua pundak. Dan harus gw akui gw rasa hal itu benar, betapapun absurd kedengarannya.

Berkali-kali gw tanya sifat atau hal apakah dari gw, kemudian, yang bisa digambarkan dari sifat memakai tas itu, dan berkali-kali dia bilang bahwa, jauh di dalam, gw benernya tau, karena gw yang merasakan sendiri. Dan saat gw berkutat dalam kepusingan mencerna premis yang absurd ini, dia memberi dua kata kunci:

"Journey" dan "Loneliness"

Bahkan kedua kata kunci itupun menurut dia sebenarnya kurang menggambarkan juga; salah satu analogi yang dia tawarkan adalah "the feel of being alone in the crowd", bahwa dengan memakai tas seperti ini gw bisa dibilang suka wandering, suka dengan perjalanan sendiri; "loneliness" sendiri bukan artinya merasa kesepian, tapi justru merasa enjoy dengan diri sendiri: kesendirian dalam perjalanan yang nikmat, sebuah perasaan akan tranquility; peace in mind because of the silent journey amidst all the noise of the outside world.

Bahwa gw suka membiarkan pikiran menjelajah ke berbagai tempat, sebenarnya sudah bukan hal baru; gw menyadari hal itu sejak lama. Dan setelah percakapan itulah gw baru inget akan suatu gambar yang sebenarnya telah gw buat 4 tahun lalu, gambar yang ada di bagian awal post ini. Judulnya ialah "I Still Can't Beat the Great Wide Open", dan gw gambarkan si pengembara membawa tas di sebelah kanannya...

Terlepas dari ide absurd bahwa cara memakai tas menggambarkan keadaan hati seseorang, nggak bisa dipungkiri bahwa gw, more or less, a wanderer dreamer.

Inside this lazy body is a wanderer..who just can't stand to take a break from a fast journey to walk with calm paces, to be amused by whatever scenery the world have it laid upon his eyes. And, deep inside his eyes, is a desire to roam the world and see as many truth as he can.

I dream of Saami tribesmen living their life in the deep woods of Sweden; I dream of Khitai families, with their yurts, herding their horses in the vast plains of Mongolia; I dream of Basque people of the Pyrenees; I dream of Tunisian Berbers riding their camels through Northern Saharan Desert; I dream of a Bushmen hunter taking aim of a gazelle in the wilderness of Kalahari; I dream of Caucasians herding their goats in the southern end of Ural Mountains; I dream of European explorers roaming through Taklamakan desert in search of Silk Road's hidden cities; I dream of an Ute scout running through the woods of New England; I dream of Andean farmers offering their goods in a busy market in one of those highland towns in Peru; I dream of some Inuit fishing a whale in the ice-cold waters of Arctic Ocean; I dream of nomadic Cossacks riding their horses in the great tundra of Siberia; I dream of a tranquil Buddhist monk feeding a tiger on a veranda of a temple in Tibet; I dream of an Iranian Sufi living a secluded life on the mountains of Transoxiana; I dream of a Highland Clansmen blowing his bagpipe on the edge of one of those rugged inlets of western Scotland; I dream of a group of Icelandic people partying, eating their shares of fermented shark's meat; I dream of Ainu people with their elaborate handcrafts in rural Hokkaido; I dream of ancient cave-villages which are still occupied in the rocky region of Cappadocia; I dream of many Polynesian canoes sailing on the waters of Pacific Ocean; I dream of lonely, desolate, wide Route 66 Highway across the American Midwest; I dream I'm on this neverending journey to see all this world, all alone, all by myself; always an observer, never a participator; always perceiving, never judging; forever amused.

I think, as much as I am an idealist is as much as I am a dreamer; no matter how hard I want to keep myself real, in some chances, this mind will always makes way for a wandering; though only in a dream.

If only it was real.


Where will I go from here?