So recently I've taken a chance to see an anime which a GIF post about it in 9Gag some-when in the immediate past vaguely piqued my interest. Last Friday there's really no one in the house beside me, and I've gotten quite tired playing Dragon's Dogma for hours, repeating killing dragons just to get that Dragonforged Tattered Cloak. So I actually made deliberate effort to search for an online streaming of this anime, Oregairu.
And boy. Was I surprised.
By the realization that the main character is really a living (uh, not really, guess I call it also realization) embodiment of my deepest thought right now. The state of mind I currently use in this day to-day life.
And again I have to feel really left out? I don't know if there's a word about it, but there's this feeling I always get whenever I finally see a movie, a manga, a comic, or a novel, or practically every other forms of storytelling medium, that has gone past their hype, and here I am just now reading/seeing them and feel the awesomeness of the story. There's this quite bad feeling of like I've just missed a really important part of life's experiences and immediate moments with my friends to chat and discussing thoughts about how gripping a heart a story is.
But I digress. Moving on. Yes, as implied, this anime is old. Or not, actually the first form this story appeared to the masses is in the form of light novel. And by old, I mean in a common sense old, in which the light novel first published in 2011. That's like 5 years ago. In perspective, at that time I was still in my second year in university, preoccupied with silly things like ospek or study. In no chances I ever pondered, at that time, to watch contemporary animes or try a shot at one of those 'light novels'. I might have knowledge about one or two light novels, but the sources in which I know about them is.. less than admirable.
I won't go into details about the story. There are already tons of resource material in the internet. If you want to jump to the anime right away, try htvanime.com. Heck, there's even a wiki site complete with full content of the light novel. Heck secondly, there's already Indonesian translation of the novel up until it's latest volume, published in November 2015.
Damn. And again I feel I have left out the immediate moment. :(
* * *
Anyway.
Each people can really have a feeling dimension so deep and vast that nobody can ever comprehend. I, for once, openly admit I'm really dead clueless about feelings. Shit, I'm total loser about being considerate or figuring out what people don't say. I'm a helpless literalist. I see what I see, hear what I hear, and I leave it at that. And I tend to value the facts or choices with pro-cons style of thinking. In some cases, that kind of objective perception may be good, but in many other things, like communication with people, which unfortunately largely populate the Earth, it's not enough. The ability to realize one's feelings, and act with that in consideration, is important.
And right now I'm on the verge of social suicide.
I put up barriers. Because I've given up comprehending feelings. And I've turned that hopeless stance to a deranged kind of pride: that I can put up being alone, stronger than most people who can't help but always need somebody else to accompany them. I'm in the delusional state of considering oneself like a lone wolf. I tightly guard my distinct value system of right and wrong about my and other people's feelings, and doesn't let others complete my understanding. I know that clearly actually. Like, a year?
But I know I will keep telling myself a lie. Seeking outside, something that actually must be seek inside. Pondering inside, something that actually must be discussed with others. Some questions that can only be answered by oneself. Some questions that can only be asked by others.
Some questions that must be asked instead of being left out.
I know I'm stupid and maybe has wasted my time for maybe more than half a year trying to distract myself from thinking what has never been resolved by doing some other things that actually never interest me to begin with. I know. It's stupid and sad. It doesn't mean I love pitying myself; quite the opposite, every time I admit it I take a bullet through my pride. One little thing that I treasure most.
One little thing that shouldn't be treasured the most.
Because what are we really if we hold dear our pride higher than those who genuinely care for us? Who gives us reason to live, reason to reach out to the world?
Reason that gives us the very care we should've spent upon?
I'm still not denying that my ultimate dream is to be perfectly independent so that I can put myself in self-exile and spend my remaining life living by myself, far from civilization and so, far from the possibility of stumbling upon my fellow human. No, it's still there in the back of my mind, and I don't think I can give up that absurd dream anytime soon.
But I also can't deny that I begin to ponder if there's another way to face the world. My root of misanthropic attitude, anyway, just like any other case of misanthrope out there, is because we've been experiencing too many disappointments. Disappointments over people's behavior, deceit, shallow-mindedness, and heart prone to hating everything they can't outright understand. Disappointment over how easily they can deliberately decide to hurt each other over things that can be resolved instead by trying to understand each other. (Okay, if it's really that easy this world would be like heaven as of now).
But why there are disappointments to begin with? A way of thinking put it that, because, deep inside, I love them. Not to say big things like 'I care for humanity' or others, it's just that I just expect them to understand, to know what's right and wrong, to know it's good to be fair and kind. For it's really that natural that we can only disappointed by people we care about, people whom we hope something better, rather than complete stranger. It is also that we face so much disappointments over a very wide circumstances that we also begin to judge other's response way more delicately, in a very self-conscious way. We project our own disappointments in them. We're so fed up with heart break we become really careful facing other people to make sure we don't hurt them like how we've hurt. This is in itself might sounds pretty empathetic, but not healthy. Just like how Hiratsuka-sensei put it, it's not possible to always avoid hurting others. Especially the ones we actually care. It's maybe because we care for them to begin with that we don't want to hurt them, but to give them shallow lies only makes the problem worse. Like Hachiman, maybe, deep inside, I want something genuine. More than to be understood, I want to understand. Because human's feelings is like a pitch black abyss compared to fake smiles they occasionally throws at; it maybe really reeks of selfishness to desire such a genuine thing, but that, over a cream-stuffed fakery that is filling the world saturated, that kind of thing is what I really want. That desire of which I resigned any hope towards, thought I can live without, denied it, and putting up barriers.
And makes me throwing fake smiles.
Just like the last post says, I've been a zombie.
I don't know if me being a loner really hurts anybody, but now I know that self-resignation is in itself egotistic and delusional. I don't want to fall for that, but I also don't want to be hurt. But there's really nothing that ensures you that being alone won't hurt anybody, not even you, anymore. If anything, this anime makes me thinking that at least we have to try to live authentically (call for you, Sartre) and to desire authentic/genuine thing, to think, struggle, stumble, and worry--it's not genuine otherwise. Or maybe it's just a heap mess of nonsensical rambling after this anime has made me somewhat hopeful.
That somewhere, someday, there's really some reason for me to not necessarily stay a loner.
I just don't know yet. I'll keep asking, because even if it's just a story, just like any other story, it must have a sprinkle of truth.
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